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Tag Archives: Stress Management

No. 160: Call On Your Compassionate Self

April 17, 2015 11:09 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing…
… create a compassionate self to call on in times of stress and distress. We often have a strong self-critic or even a self-bully that pipes up to tell us all the worst things about ourselves and what we are going through. If we reflect on our self-talk in times of distress we might notice we use blaming, judgmental and sometimes downright mean words with ourselves that leave us feeling ten times worse. Having a compassionate self allows us to use soothing, understanding, non-judgmental, kind and supportive words with ourselves instead of or in response to the self-critic or the self-bully. Start out by creating a character map of your compassionate self.It’s easiest to do all this on a piece of paper, in writing or drawing, to make it concrete and give us something to come back to later.

1. First, think about what compassion means to you. If you find it difficult to be compassionate towards yourself, it might help to think of what another compassionate person might do, or even what you are like when you are being compassionate towards other people. Think about what you might need from your compassionate self and what compassion involves for you. Is your compassionate self forgiving, respectful, kind, aware of what is important to you, caring, accepting, warm, humorous or all of those things and more? What does your compassionate self think about making mistakes, flaws, limitations, weaknesses, failures, and negative life events?

2. The next step is building a visual image for your compassionate self. What does your compassionate self look like? They could look like someone who has treated you with compassion in the past, a creature you have found comforting or it could look like you when you are being compassionate, understanding and kind to someone you care about. Think about what facial expressions and gestures your compassionate self might make to show their empathy, understanding and warmth and what it feels like to be near that. How does your compassionate self look at you? What do they do when they see you suffer?

3. Next you need to create a voice for your compassionate self. What does your compassionate self sound like? Think about what tone of voice it uses, what it sounds like, how loud its voice is and how fast it speaks. Finally, create some words for your compassionate self. What does your compassionate self say to you? Think about what words and phrases your compassionate self uses to soothe, show kindness and be understanding. It’ s easiest to do all this on a piece of paper, in writing or drawing, to make it concrete and give you something to come back to later.

Now you are ready to practice, take one to two minutes a day to sit mindfully with your thoughts about the day ahead and practice responding to them with this compassionate self you are learning to build inside you. Have a little conversation with them. What would this kind, accepting part of you say back to these thoughts and feelings you are holding right now? What would they offer you? How would they do it? Whenever you notice other thoughts distracting you, describe them to yourself, respond to them using your compassionate self and return to visualising yourself talking to my compassionate self about the coming day.

Once you are familiar with visualising your compassionate self and responding to your thoughts with a compassionate voice, add “Call on Your Compassionate Self” to your Personal Coping Kete as a way of coping with stress and distress. You will be able to call on the compassionate part of yourself to support yourself through stressful times with soothing, kind, respectful and understanding words, ideas and images, instead of being pushed along by your mind’ s negative self-talk on autopilot.

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No. 158: Plant Seeds and Nurture Them

December 31, 2014 4:32 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing…
… practice being aware of your valued actions by visualising or symbolically planting seeds for each of your valued intentions. It is New Years Eve and that is good time to set goals for the coming months, but goals tend to be short-lived and easily side-tracked by shifting priorities. On the other hand, our values represent how we want to be in the world, regardless of the state of our goals. Values are always in progress, whereas goals can be achieved, failed or finished with. A goal might be to ‘ Quit Smoking’ . A value might be ‘ Caring for my Physical Health.’ See the shift? A goal is a place on a map, but a value is a direction on the compass we use to guide us. Different values tend to take on differing levels of importance as we move through life. Much of the suffering we go through is the result of being distant from our values, or prioritising one set of values over things we also hold dear to our hearts. So this week, try doing a ‘ Seed Planting Ceremony’ for the New Year, or the day or week ahead.
First, take a moment to sit in stillness and bring your mind to what you want to nurture in your life. How do you want to treat yourself, the planet and others in the coming months? What is most important to you right now? When your mind throws up thoughts of what you don’ t want, name it to yourself and bring your awareness to the values you would like to be guided by in such situations. What do you want to stand for as a person? What brings vitality and meaning to life for you? Write everything down as you go, then read back through and pick out the things that are priorities for you at the moment.
Next, make ‘ paper seeds’ for each of values you want to ‘ plant’ and nurture in your life by writing each one down or drawing them on a separate piece of paper. Give a name to each of the ‘ seeds’ you are planting so you can easily bring it to mind when you need help to find a valued path forward. Choose a small object or picture for each of the important ‘ seeds’ too if you would like. Next reflect on what you are doing, have done, or would do when living fully in line with this value that is so important to you? What small actions will grow it? Write these down too and then place the paper and the object in a special jar or container. Try to create at least one different ‘ seed’ for each of the areas of your life that are important to your health and wellbeing.
As you learn more about what you value in your heart of hearts, you can return and create more paper ‘ seeds’ to grow. Take some time once a day to turn your mind to the ‘ seeds’ you ‘ planted’ . Pick a few out of the jar, reflect on the ways you have moved towards it that day, acknowledge the things that have pulled you away with compassion, and visualise yourself nurturing this in yourself tomorrow. As you move through each day, see if you can practice bringing your attention to these valued directions, by naming them to yourself as a reminder and seeing how they can guide your next steps.
Once you are comfortable with setting your intentions by naming and visualising the values you want to nurture, add ‘ Plant Seeds and Nurture Them’ to your Personal Coping Kete. Then in times of stress and distress, you’ ll be able to returning to your values as helpers and visualise how you want to move forward, given what you have got.When you notice myself feeling lost or confused or distressed or uncertain, pause, find a valued direction, and choose one workable step towards it.
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No. 154: Supportive Self-Talk

May 24, 2014 5:47 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing…
…practice catching your inner critic when it’ s up to its tricks and responding to your self-talk with kindness. This is about learning to label your unhelpful self-talk for what it is and deliberately talk to yourself in a way that builds you up instead of cutting yourself down. Self-talk is automatic but we can bring it into our awareness and use it to support ourselves through moments of stress and distress. That last bit is key here. It is important to choose self-talk that feels supportive to you and that you can believe to be true. Sometimes we take ‘ supportive’ to mean that we are supposed to try to cheer ourselves up with lots of positive phrases that oppose what we have been thinking and that can often make people feel worse, especially if they really do not believe the positive statement at all. It doesn’ t usually work when we try to do this with others, and it doesn’ t usually work when we try to do this to ourselves either.
Supportive means to hold up, so try to experiment with finding a way of talking back to harsh self-talk that can hold you up in the struggles you find yourself in. This can be really hard to do, so practice in the ordinary moments first, maybe with your morning cuppa or something like that. Just sit and observe what you notice in your mind as it arises for a few minutes a day. If it’ s empty, observe and describe that. If it’ s focused on the cuppa, observe and describe that. Practice noticing the detail. Eventually your mind will start to wander and chatter like minds are designed to do. When you notice, observe and describe that too. Keep a look out for how your mind talks to you. When you notice critical, judgemental or harsh self-talk, describe what you observe, put words to it, name it for what it is.
Then take a deep breath and deliberately respond with self-talk that is supportive towards yourself, in a way that has your back, as if to hold yourself up in this moment, not to deny your reality, but to hold you steady there. Our minds are kind of messy in real life and so observing them can be too. It might go something a bit like this inside in your mind as you do this: “I am sitting here with my cup of coffee …I notice my mind is blank. [cue distracting chatter] I can never do these things. How does this even work as a thing. I’ m not even thinking anything important. I want to have chicken for dinner. Dammit I’ m not paying attention… [good noticing, and you’ re back. Describe where you went just then and try your supportive self-talk again]….I notice I am judging the way I am confused about doing this. I notice I am kind of hungry… [take a deep breath and meet this with some supportive self-talk]… This is a kind of hard thing to learn really. At least I am trying. Did I have breakfast? Dammit again! [Good noticing again, and you’ re back. Describe where you went just then and try your supportive self-talk again]...I notice hunger distracting me. I notice harsh words about that. No one can focus properly when they are hungry…” Stay with it for a couple of minutes if you can, and then continue on with your day.
As you move through each day, pause when you notice your mood change and take a moment to observe what you are telling yourself about the situation and your experience of it, and see what happens if you meet it with some of the supportive self-talk you’ ve been practicing each morning.
When you are comfortable noticing, labeling and responding to your self-talk with support, add ‘ Supportive Self-Talk’ to your Personal Coping Kete for moments of stress and distress. When times are tough, you’ ll be able to catch your harsh inner critic and feed yourself supportive self-talk that helps hold you up. Self-judgement adds another layer of distress to already difficult situations. Giving ‘ voice’ to your inner supporter can make distress less intense and easier to cope with.
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No. 153: Label Thoughts As Thoughts

April 7, 2014 10:03 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete… practice noticing your thoughts and seeing them for what they are – thoughts. This week, whenever you notice yourself look at a clock, take a brief moment to be still, take five deep breaths, register what is in your mind and name what you notice in this time. As you notice a thought running through your head, say to yourself “I notice the thought that…“. For example, if I look at the clock, breathe and think “I am going to be late”, I will say to myself “I notice the thought that I am going to be late”. Sometimes we have second thoughts about our first thoughts. Thoughts often come in chains of ‘ this’ and ‘ then that’ and then… etc. If you notice a second thought attached to the first, describe that too. Try to be an impartial observer, not a bullying or critical observer and use neutral words to describe what you notice. If you notice yourself judging or labeling your thoughts as ‘ good’ or ‘ bad’ in some way, describe that to yourself self too, “I notice the thought that…”. If your mind goes blank or you feel distressed, label your thoughts about that and come back to your breathing. After you have taken five good breaths in and out, move your attention outwards again by describing what is around you right now, “Right now I see…Right now I hear… “. Then turn back to whatever you were about to do before. As thoughts pop up to distract you from your task, label them as thoughts and return your focus to what is around you and what you are doing now. Usually our thoughts are constantly running through our minds without us noticing them and we just go along reacting to them on auto-pilot. By doing this exercise, I will get used to taking a step back to observe my thoughts and recognise them as ideas happening in my mind. Labeling my thoughts as thoughts will highlight the distinction between what is coming in through my senses and what is the meaning attached to it by my mind. Often these two things we will be an obvious match. However, just as often things are a bit more ambiguous and unclear. Often there are multiple potential meanings and labeling thoughts can help me keep sight of that. This can help the body know it is safe to calm down any stress responses it has been automatically firing off. It is harder to step back and label our thoughts as thoughts when our emotions are high. This is why practicing for just a moment at regular intervals when emotions aren’ t high is helpful while we get the hang of it. You might find that looking at a clock isn’ t the most useful reminder to practice for you. If that’ s the case, pick another thing you do everyday to use as a reminder to practice. When you are comfortable with stopping to label thoughts as thoughts during everyday moments, add it to your Personal Coping Kete as a way of coping in times of stress and distress. When you notice emotions getting high or your mind starting to race, take a moment to breathe into your belly and observe your thoughts one by one. As you notice a thought, describe it to yourself “I notice the thought that…” . Then turn your mind to your senses and the world around you. “Right now I see… Right now I hear…”. When you are ready to move on to the next task in your day. Think to yourself, “Right now I could…” . This might be a self-soothing or distraction exercise or some form of expression, support or engagement. Labeling distressing thoughts as thoughts might help to soothe their sting if they are overwhelming, slow them down if they are racing or make them clear if they are clouded. If we can notice thoughts as events that happen inside us, we can choose which ones we want to act on and which ones are just the chatter of our minds on autopilot.
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No. 150: Make a Memory Jar

December 31, 2013 3:04 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete… practice holding onto good memories by making and using a Memory Jar. To make a Memory Jar, all you need to do is get a jar with a lid that you can fill with reminders of your positive, special or treasured memories throughout the year. Each day, write down at least one positive thing you want to remember later. Write down the small things like amazing views or scenery you have seen or fabulous food you have eaten or moments of laughter with friends as well as the big events and achievements that happen throughout the days and weeks of the year. Some people add objects and pictures to their memory jars too – like ticket stubs from good movies and concerts, photos of friends, shells from beach trips, dried flowers etc etc. Your Memory Jar can become a real lucky dip of treasured moments that you will be able to use as fuel for feeling good in days to come. To start with, you’ ll need to get your Memory Jar ready. Click here to see some Memory Jars made by other people. Some people decorate their memory jars – you could get really creative with this. Next schedule in some time each day for the next week, to write at least one new memory on a slip of paper and add it to the jar. If you have been feeling low, try to choose a time of the day when you usually feel the best. It is harder to notice positives when we are feeling negative, so if you find it tough to think of positive memories from the day, don’ t be hard on yourself for it. It helps to start small with just little things that have brought us a bit of pleasure. You might find it easier to write things down as they happen or to think back further than this one day or week. At the end of the week, look through your Memory Jar and practice remembering each of the good moments. Plan how to continue adding to your jar as you move through the year and then dip into it when you need some help to hold on to the good bits alongside the areas of dissatisfaction you carry or for those times you need some inspiration for how to feel better. It might help to keep it somewhere you will see it often. Reviewing your Memory Jar regularly will help you to get comfortable holding your positive memories in mind without cancelling them out with the bad stuff that has happened. This can help us to prevent the difficult things from taking over our whole view. You might find yourself having pessimistic or cynical thoughts about the activity, especially if you are in a low mood right now. Finding it hard to remember positive things doesn’ t mean that there have been no positive things. It just means you haven’ t noticed any positive things or you didn’ t count them when you did, maybe they seemed inconsequential or insignificant. Sometimes it can help to write down something you think you would find positive on a different day if you were in a better mood. By practicing the art of writing something down every day, you will practice holding onto positive memories in the face of difficulty and hardship, when it is all too easy to forget them. You’ ll also have a really neat record of your year to look back on in days to come. As you gather more and more memories in your jar, and get comfortable noticing, recording and recalling positive memories, add ‘ Use My Memory Jar’ to your Personal Coping Kete for moments of stress and distress. If you are finding things hard, take out your Memory Jar and use it to shift my thoughts to good times and moments of gratitude and find some ideas for things to do in the present to shift your mood. In times of stress and distress, as well as remembering good memories, try to add one new good memory to your Memory Jar a day. Even when everything is terrible, you will be able to find one good thing to add to your Memory Jar. Doing this during tough times might help you to balance out some of your unwanted thoughts and feelings and shift the intensity of your moods a bit.
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Happy New Year from Engage Aotearoa
Posted in: Engagement, Expression & Support, Self-Soothing ⋅ Tagged: , , , , , , ,

No. 148: Practice Compassion

December 16, 2013 3:59 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete…I will practice being compassionate towards myself. When I notice critical thoughts or judgments about myself or things I have done or not done, I will practice responding in my mind with kind words, that share sensitivity for my suffering and respect for my humanity. I will practice choosing compassionate and accepting words to talk to myself about my mistakes, weaknesses, flaws and limitations. Other people can criticise me if they wish, but I will give myself compassion. As I move through my week, I will keep an eye out for self-talk that is harsh, critical and judgmental. For example, I will watch out for self-talk where I label myself stupid or useless when I make a mistake. When I notice I am labeling myself harshly for my mistakes and limitations, I will give myself compassion by pausing to remind myself it is human to struggle. I will appreciate my strengths by remembering them to myself and recalling that my flaws and limitations are simply part of a whole, not all that I am. By responding to myself with compassion throughout the week, I will practice accepting my whole self, warts and all. I do not need to be perfect, nor would I want to be. When I am used to talking to myself with compassion and acceptance on an ordinary day, I will add ‘ talk to myself with compassion’ to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of coping with stress and distress. When I find myself in distress, I will be mindful of how I am talking to myself and be careful to use compassionate words. In times of stress and distress, I will be better able to give myself messages of kindness, instead of giving myself messages of shame or judgement that make me feel worse.
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No. 147: One Thing at a Time

November 26, 2013 11:21 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing…
… I will practice doing just one thing at a time. I will pick one daily activity, like taking a shower or brushing my teeth, drinking a coffee or eating breakfast. Each time I find myself doing my chosen activity, I will do just that activity, with an awareness of what I am doing in that moment. For example, instead of drinking my coffee while I read emails – I will just drink my coffee and notice the experience in its fullness. I can anchor myself in each of my five senses as a way to practice being aware of what I am doing: sight, taste, hearing, smell and touch. While I notice the activity at hand, I will practice letting my thoughts come and go, without chasing them. My inner world is part of my current experience in any moment and I will allow it into my attention. By turning my attention to the one thing I am doing, I’ ll practice not being pulled into other thoughts and feelings, even though I know they are there. As other thoughts enter my mind, I will observe them and my responses to them with kindness, then bring my attention back to the one activity in front of me. Doing one thing at a time, frees our minds up to do that one thing more efficiently. Taking time to do one thing at a time also lets us experience the simple pleasures of everyday things more fully. Practicing doing one thing at a time and focusing my attention on the task during everyday activities, will help strengthen my ability to focus my attention on mindful distraction tasks during times of distress.
Once I’ m used to the art of doing one thing at a time, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of coping when the going gets tough. When I am feeling overwhelmed by emotions or unwanted thoughts, I will choose any small activity I can find to do and I will focus my awareness on that for a while. I’ ll observe my thoughts as they float to the surface of my attention, notice my responses to them and then turn my mind back to doing the one activity before me and experiencing it fully. It could be anything from dusting an ornament to making dinner. Whatever I choose, I will do just that one thing and I will pay attention to every part of it.
Posted in: Mindful Distraction ⋅ Tagged: , , ,

No. 146: Be Still and Breathe

November 15, 2013 9:26 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing…
… I will practice being mindful of the wider moment by pausing as often as I can remember and simply being still. Throughout the day, wherever I am when I remember, I will stop what I am doing, be still and just breathe. Whatever is going through my head, I will notice and let pass, while I breathe and be still. I will take this time to notice the light and temperature and textures around me and the sensations in my body as I stop what I am doing and settle into the moment. When I notice thoughts I will practice noticing them kindly, without judging them. I will practice letting the thoughts I notice pass by looking at what else there is to notice in this moment. Moving my awareness on will help me make sure I don’ t get hooked into one particular train of thought. If I notice myself making judgements, I will observe the judgement and again move my awareness to what else I notice while I am breathing and being still. In this way, I will practice having little rest spots throughout my day, where I can slow down and notice what is happening inside and around me, without getting hooked into the stressful stuff. Taking moments to slow down and be still might help me be aware of what am dealing with, while I allow myself to be mindfully distracted by my surroundings. After a little while of being still and breathing, I will carry on with what I was doing.
When I am comfortable stopping to be still and breathe in everyday moments, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a strategy for times of stress and distress. When I notice I am getting wound up, I will be able to stop what I am doing, be still, breathe and look around me to get a bit of soothing space between feeling and responding. _ _ _ _ _ This week’s Coping Kete strategy is inspired by a strategy from a member of the public who attended The Butterfly Diaries launch during Mental Health Awareness Week.
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No. 144: Be Aware of My Choices

October 2, 2013 9:57 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… ""… I will practice noticing all the different ways I can control my outcomes by paying attention to the choices I make each day and purposefully choosing the option that moves me towards more of what I want. This week, as I move through each day, I will practice being aware of each of the small choices I make. When I notice that I am making a choice, I will practice pausing to observe what options I am choosing between and what the possible outcomes of each of the options might be. I will then deliberately choose the option that will bring me closer to what I want for my future – whether that is how I want to feel later in the day or what I want to be doing next year. I’ ll start out doing this with the small choices I make, such as what I eat and drink, what I watch on TV, what I work on next, where I sit and everyday things like that. Noticing how my small choices change the way I experience my daily life, might help me to be make more mindful decisions, that effect me in more positive ways. Slowing down and thinking about our choices is especially hard when we are distressed, which is why we so often do and say things we regret when we feel angry or upset. If I practice slowing down and being aware of my choices in everyday moments, it might be easier to slow myself down and think about my choices when I’ m distressed. In this way, I will learn how to hold my own responses and act based on what I want and need, not just on what I feel. This week, as I notice myself making a choice, I will pause, ask myself what the other options are, think about the possible consequences and what consequences I want, then choose the option that brings me closer the outcome I desire. When I am comfortable pausing myself and observing my options before I make everyday kinds of choices, I will add ‘ Be Aware of my Choices’ to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of coping during times of stress and distress. By being aware of the choices I am making and choosing the option that brings me closer to what I want for my future, I will be able to guide myself through the tough moments in a way that has a positive effect on me, rather than getting caught up in my distress and making coping decisions that make things harder in the long-run. The simple act of stopping to think through the options and make myself aware of what I want and need will help me practice giving myself a delay between feeling and acting, a mini time-out to have a little think. Doing this could be a form of mindful distraction, moving my mind away from how I feel in the moment to what I want in the future and what my choices are.
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No. 143: Finding Excuses to Get Outside

September 8, 2013 10:52 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing…
…I will find excuses to spend small amounts of time outside and work them into my day to give myself little moments of mindfulness in nature. To start with, I will make a list of all the things I can do outside around my house or around my work or anywhere in between.
For example:
Weed the garden
Check the mail
Water the garden
Hang out washing
Bring in washing
Read the newspaper in the sun
Have lunch at the local park
Eat breakfast on the lawn
Drink my coffee under a tree
Walk to the dairy for milk
etc… etc…. etc…
Then, as I move through my week, I will practice giving myself time outside to do these things. I might schedule them in to my diary to help me remember to do them or I might be able to remember whenever the opportunity presents itself. When I find myself outside I will mindfully observe the environment around me and how it feels to be in it doing what I am doing. I will describe each part of my experience to myself and fully focus on participating in the experience of being outside. If I notice my thoughts distracting me from my moment outdoors, I will observe them for what they are and bring my mind back to the present moment. This will allow me to practice engaging with environments that are soothing and enjoyable as part of my everyday life. It might also help me get all the Vitamin D I need. Vitamin D comes from the sun.
Once I am used to enjoying outside as part of daily life, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a way to self-soothe or distract myself during times of stress and distress. Taking myself outside and mindfully doing something else when I am distressed might give me the space I need to feel more calm before I respond to my distressing feelings, while still allowing them to be there.

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