Engage Aotearoa

Tag Archives: Self-care

No. 158: Plant Seeds and Nurture Them

December 31, 2014 4:32 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing…
… practice being aware of your valued actions by visualising or symbolically planting seeds for each of your valued intentions. It is New Years Eve and that is good time to set goals for the coming months, but goals tend to be short-lived and easily side-tracked by shifting priorities. On the other hand, our values represent how we want to be in the world, regardless of the state of our goals. Values are always in progress, whereas goals can be achieved, failed or finished with. A goal might be to ‘ Quit Smoking’ . A value might be ‘ Caring for my Physical Health.’ See the shift? A goal is a place on a map, but a value is a direction on the compass we use to guide us. Different values tend to take on differing levels of importance as we move through life. Much of the suffering we go through is the result of being distant from our values, or prioritising one set of values over things we also hold dear to our hearts. So this week, try doing a ‘ Seed Planting Ceremony’ for the New Year, or the day or week ahead.
First, take a moment to sit in stillness and bring your mind to what you want to nurture in your life. How do you want to treat yourself, the planet and others in the coming months? What is most important to you right now? When your mind throws up thoughts of what you don’ t want, name it to yourself and bring your awareness to the values you would like to be guided by in such situations. What do you want to stand for as a person? What brings vitality and meaning to life for you? Write everything down as you go, then read back through and pick out the things that are priorities for you at the moment.
Next, make ‘ paper seeds’ for each of values you want to ‘ plant’ and nurture in your life by writing each one down or drawing them on a separate piece of paper. Give a name to each of the ‘ seeds’ you are planting so you can easily bring it to mind when you need help to find a valued path forward. Choose a small object or picture for each of the important ‘ seeds’ too if you would like. Next reflect on what you are doing, have done, or would do when living fully in line with this value that is so important to you? What small actions will grow it? Write these down too and then place the paper and the object in a special jar or container. Try to create at least one different ‘ seed’ for each of the areas of your life that are important to your health and wellbeing.
As you learn more about what you value in your heart of hearts, you can return and create more paper ‘ seeds’ to grow. Take some time once a day to turn your mind to the ‘ seeds’ you ‘ planted’ . Pick a few out of the jar, reflect on the ways you have moved towards it that day, acknowledge the things that have pulled you away with compassion, and visualise yourself nurturing this in yourself tomorrow. As you move through each day, see if you can practice bringing your attention to these valued directions, by naming them to yourself as a reminder and seeing how they can guide your next steps.
Once you are comfortable with setting your intentions by naming and visualising the values you want to nurture, add ‘ Plant Seeds and Nurture Them’ to your Personal Coping Kete. Then in times of stress and distress, you’ ll be able to returning to your values as helpers and visualise how you want to move forward, given what you have got.When you notice myself feeling lost or confused or distressed or uncertain, pause, find a valued direction, and choose one workable step towards it.
Posted in: Engagement, Self-Soothing ⋅ Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,

No. 154: Supportive Self-Talk

May 24, 2014 5:47 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing…
…practice catching your inner critic when it’ s up to its tricks and responding to your self-talk with kindness. This is about learning to label your unhelpful self-talk for what it is and deliberately talk to yourself in a way that builds you up instead of cutting yourself down. Self-talk is automatic but we can bring it into our awareness and use it to support ourselves through moments of stress and distress. That last bit is key here. It is important to choose self-talk that feels supportive to you and that you can believe to be true. Sometimes we take ‘ supportive’ to mean that we are supposed to try to cheer ourselves up with lots of positive phrases that oppose what we have been thinking and that can often make people feel worse, especially if they really do not believe the positive statement at all. It doesn’ t usually work when we try to do this with others, and it doesn’ t usually work when we try to do this to ourselves either.
Supportive means to hold up, so try to experiment with finding a way of talking back to harsh self-talk that can hold you up in the struggles you find yourself in. This can be really hard to do, so practice in the ordinary moments first, maybe with your morning cuppa or something like that. Just sit and observe what you notice in your mind as it arises for a few minutes a day. If it’ s empty, observe and describe that. If it’ s focused on the cuppa, observe and describe that. Practice noticing the detail. Eventually your mind will start to wander and chatter like minds are designed to do. When you notice, observe and describe that too. Keep a look out for how your mind talks to you. When you notice critical, judgemental or harsh self-talk, describe what you observe, put words to it, name it for what it is.
Then take a deep breath and deliberately respond with self-talk that is supportive towards yourself, in a way that has your back, as if to hold yourself up in this moment, not to deny your reality, but to hold you steady there. Our minds are kind of messy in real life and so observing them can be too. It might go something a bit like this inside in your mind as you do this: “I am sitting here with my cup of coffee …I notice my mind is blank. [cue distracting chatter] I can never do these things. How does this even work as a thing. I’ m not even thinking anything important. I want to have chicken for dinner. Dammit I’ m not paying attention… [good noticing, and you’ re back. Describe where you went just then and try your supportive self-talk again]….I notice I am judging the way I am confused about doing this. I notice I am kind of hungry… [take a deep breath and meet this with some supportive self-talk]… This is a kind of hard thing to learn really. At least I am trying. Did I have breakfast? Dammit again! [Good noticing again, and you’ re back. Describe where you went just then and try your supportive self-talk again]...I notice hunger distracting me. I notice harsh words about that. No one can focus properly when they are hungry…” Stay with it for a couple of minutes if you can, and then continue on with your day.
As you move through each day, pause when you notice your mood change and take a moment to observe what you are telling yourself about the situation and your experience of it, and see what happens if you meet it with some of the supportive self-talk you’ ve been practicing each morning.
When you are comfortable noticing, labeling and responding to your self-talk with support, add ‘ Supportive Self-Talk’ to your Personal Coping Kete for moments of stress and distress. When times are tough, you’ ll be able to catch your harsh inner critic and feed yourself supportive self-talk that helps hold you up. Self-judgement adds another layer of distress to already difficult situations. Giving ‘ voice’ to your inner supporter can make distress less intense and easier to cope with.
Posted in: Self-Soothing ⋅ Tagged: , , ,

No. 153: Label Thoughts As Thoughts

April 7, 2014 10:03 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete… practice noticing your thoughts and seeing them for what they are – thoughts. This week, whenever you notice yourself look at a clock, take a brief moment to be still, take five deep breaths, register what is in your mind and name what you notice in this time. As you notice a thought running through your head, say to yourself “I notice the thought that…“. For example, if I look at the clock, breathe and think “I am going to be late”, I will say to myself “I notice the thought that I am going to be late”. Sometimes we have second thoughts about our first thoughts. Thoughts often come in chains of ‘ this’ and ‘ then that’ and then… etc. If you notice a second thought attached to the first, describe that too. Try to be an impartial observer, not a bullying or critical observer and use neutral words to describe what you notice. If you notice yourself judging or labeling your thoughts as ‘ good’ or ‘ bad’ in some way, describe that to yourself self too, “I notice the thought that…”. If your mind goes blank or you feel distressed, label your thoughts about that and come back to your breathing. After you have taken five good breaths in and out, move your attention outwards again by describing what is around you right now, “Right now I see…Right now I hear… “. Then turn back to whatever you were about to do before. As thoughts pop up to distract you from your task, label them as thoughts and return your focus to what is around you and what you are doing now. Usually our thoughts are constantly running through our minds without us noticing them and we just go along reacting to them on auto-pilot. By doing this exercise, I will get used to taking a step back to observe my thoughts and recognise them as ideas happening in my mind. Labeling my thoughts as thoughts will highlight the distinction between what is coming in through my senses and what is the meaning attached to it by my mind. Often these two things we will be an obvious match. However, just as often things are a bit more ambiguous and unclear. Often there are multiple potential meanings and labeling thoughts can help me keep sight of that. This can help the body know it is safe to calm down any stress responses it has been automatically firing off. It is harder to step back and label our thoughts as thoughts when our emotions are high. This is why practicing for just a moment at regular intervals when emotions aren’ t high is helpful while we get the hang of it. You might find that looking at a clock isn’ t the most useful reminder to practice for you. If that’ s the case, pick another thing you do everyday to use as a reminder to practice. When you are comfortable with stopping to label thoughts as thoughts during everyday moments, add it to your Personal Coping Kete as a way of coping in times of stress and distress. When you notice emotions getting high or your mind starting to race, take a moment to breathe into your belly and observe your thoughts one by one. As you notice a thought, describe it to yourself “I notice the thought that…” . Then turn your mind to your senses and the world around you. “Right now I see… Right now I hear…”. When you are ready to move on to the next task in your day. Think to yourself, “Right now I could…” . This might be a self-soothing or distraction exercise or some form of expression, support or engagement. Labeling distressing thoughts as thoughts might help to soothe their sting if they are overwhelming, slow them down if they are racing or make them clear if they are clouded. If we can notice thoughts as events that happen inside us, we can choose which ones we want to act on and which ones are just the chatter of our minds on autopilot.
Posted in: Engagement, Self-Soothing ⋅ Tagged: , , , ,

No. 148: Practice Compassion

December 16, 2013 3:59 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete…I will practice being compassionate towards myself. When I notice critical thoughts or judgments about myself or things I have done or not done, I will practice responding in my mind with kind words, that share sensitivity for my suffering and respect for my humanity. I will practice choosing compassionate and accepting words to talk to myself about my mistakes, weaknesses, flaws and limitations. Other people can criticise me if they wish, but I will give myself compassion. As I move through my week, I will keep an eye out for self-talk that is harsh, critical and judgmental. For example, I will watch out for self-talk where I label myself stupid or useless when I make a mistake. When I notice I am labeling myself harshly for my mistakes and limitations, I will give myself compassion by pausing to remind myself it is human to struggle. I will appreciate my strengths by remembering them to myself and recalling that my flaws and limitations are simply part of a whole, not all that I am. By responding to myself with compassion throughout the week, I will practice accepting my whole self, warts and all. I do not need to be perfect, nor would I want to be. When I am used to talking to myself with compassion and acceptance on an ordinary day, I will add ‘ talk to myself with compassion’ to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of coping with stress and distress. When I find myself in distress, I will be mindful of how I am talking to myself and be careful to use compassionate words. In times of stress and distress, I will be better able to give myself messages of kindness, instead of giving myself messages of shame or judgement that make me feel worse.
Posted in: Expression & Support, Self-Soothing ⋅ Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,

No. 147: One Thing at a Time

November 26, 2013 11:21 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing…
… I will practice doing just one thing at a time. I will pick one daily activity, like taking a shower or brushing my teeth, drinking a coffee or eating breakfast. Each time I find myself doing my chosen activity, I will do just that activity, with an awareness of what I am doing in that moment. For example, instead of drinking my coffee while I read emails – I will just drink my coffee and notice the experience in its fullness. I can anchor myself in each of my five senses as a way to practice being aware of what I am doing: sight, taste, hearing, smell and touch. While I notice the activity at hand, I will practice letting my thoughts come and go, without chasing them. My inner world is part of my current experience in any moment and I will allow it into my attention. By turning my attention to the one thing I am doing, I’ ll practice not being pulled into other thoughts and feelings, even though I know they are there. As other thoughts enter my mind, I will observe them and my responses to them with kindness, then bring my attention back to the one activity in front of me. Doing one thing at a time, frees our minds up to do that one thing more efficiently. Taking time to do one thing at a time also lets us experience the simple pleasures of everyday things more fully. Practicing doing one thing at a time and focusing my attention on the task during everyday activities, will help strengthen my ability to focus my attention on mindful distraction tasks during times of distress.
Once I’ m used to the art of doing one thing at a time, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of coping when the going gets tough. When I am feeling overwhelmed by emotions or unwanted thoughts, I will choose any small activity I can find to do and I will focus my awareness on that for a while. I’ ll observe my thoughts as they float to the surface of my attention, notice my responses to them and then turn my mind back to doing the one activity before me and experiencing it fully. It could be anything from dusting an ornament to making dinner. Whatever I choose, I will do just that one thing and I will pay attention to every part of it.
Posted in: Mindful Distraction ⋅ Tagged: , , ,

No. 146: Be Still and Breathe

November 15, 2013 9:26 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing…
… I will practice being mindful of the wider moment by pausing as often as I can remember and simply being still. Throughout the day, wherever I am when I remember, I will stop what I am doing, be still and just breathe. Whatever is going through my head, I will notice and let pass, while I breathe and be still. I will take this time to notice the light and temperature and textures around me and the sensations in my body as I stop what I am doing and settle into the moment. When I notice thoughts I will practice noticing them kindly, without judging them. I will practice letting the thoughts I notice pass by looking at what else there is to notice in this moment. Moving my awareness on will help me make sure I don’ t get hooked into one particular train of thought. If I notice myself making judgements, I will observe the judgement and again move my awareness to what else I notice while I am breathing and being still. In this way, I will practice having little rest spots throughout my day, where I can slow down and notice what is happening inside and around me, without getting hooked into the stressful stuff. Taking moments to slow down and be still might help me be aware of what am dealing with, while I allow myself to be mindfully distracted by my surroundings. After a little while of being still and breathing, I will carry on with what I was doing.
When I am comfortable stopping to be still and breathe in everyday moments, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a strategy for times of stress and distress. When I notice I am getting wound up, I will be able to stop what I am doing, be still, breathe and look around me to get a bit of soothing space between feeling and responding. _ _ _ _ _ This week’s Coping Kete strategy is inspired by a strategy from a member of the public who attended The Butterfly Diaries launch during Mental Health Awareness Week.
Posted in: Engagement, Mindful Distraction ⋅ Tagged: , , , , , ,

No. 143: Finding Excuses to Get Outside

September 8, 2013 10:52 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing…
…I will find excuses to spend small amounts of time outside and work them into my day to give myself little moments of mindfulness in nature. To start with, I will make a list of all the things I can do outside around my house or around my work or anywhere in between.
For example:
Weed the garden
Check the mail
Water the garden
Hang out washing
Bring in washing
Read the newspaper in the sun
Have lunch at the local park
Eat breakfast on the lawn
Drink my coffee under a tree
Walk to the dairy for milk
etc… etc…. etc…
Then, as I move through my week, I will practice giving myself time outside to do these things. I might schedule them in to my diary to help me remember to do them or I might be able to remember whenever the opportunity presents itself. When I find myself outside I will mindfully observe the environment around me and how it feels to be in it doing what I am doing. I will describe each part of my experience to myself and fully focus on participating in the experience of being outside. If I notice my thoughts distracting me from my moment outdoors, I will observe them for what they are and bring my mind back to the present moment. This will allow me to practice engaging with environments that are soothing and enjoyable as part of my everyday life. It might also help me get all the Vitamin D I need. Vitamin D comes from the sun.
Once I am used to enjoying outside as part of daily life, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a way to self-soothe or distract myself during times of stress and distress. Taking myself outside and mindfully doing something else when I am distressed might give me the space I need to feel more calm before I respond to my distressing feelings, while still allowing them to be there.

Posted in: Engagement, Mindful Distraction, Self-Soothing ⋅ Tagged: , , , , , ,

No. 140: Observe the Facts of the Moment

July 21, 2013 12:12 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete… once a day, I will practice distracting myself from unhelpful thoughts by mindfully interrupting myself in the middle of an ordinary daily task and spending a few seconds observing and describing the current moment to myself without using any emotional words. While I am observing and describing the current moment to myself I will practice belly breathing to help me relax. Once I have observed and described each element of my current moment to myself, I will go back to my task. I could use an alarm to help me remember to interrupt myself each day. I will pass my mind over the space I am in, the people present, what they are doing, what the air feels and smells like, the weather, the sounds around me, the scene out the window, the position of my body in the room, the sensations within my body – all of the physical facts of the moment. If I notice my mind making judgements about anything I observe, I will watch the judgement pass by me like a train and turn my mind back to describing the moment around me. Everything but these observable facts is my perception. I can choose which perceptions to attach myself to and which perceptions to let pass me by. I will remember this as I move back into my task. Once I am comfortable with interrupting an ordinary experience to mindfully connect with the physical moment, I will add the strategy to my Personal Coping Kete as a way to interrupt distressing thoughts and get some space from my emotions. When I notice I am getting distressed, I will give myself permission to let go of my worry for a little while and turn my attention to my breath and the physical facts of the moment around me. I will keep observing and describing the physical facts of the situation until I have calmed down and am able to think a bit more clearly about how to cope. As distressing thoughts come into my mind I will observe them as they pass by, without chasing after them and turn my mind back to noticing the physical facts of the situation and continue with my breathing until I am feeling calmer.
Posted in: Mindful Distraction ⋅ Tagged: , , , ,

No. 138: Visualising My Intentions

June 29, 2013 3:15 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete…I will practice telling the difference between my expectations and my good intentions and get in the habit of letting my intentions guide me instead of my fears. While my expectations are useful, they can get in my way at times, but my good intentions bring me back to what it is important to me, back to my values. This week, I will take a moment every morning to practice slow, belly breathing while I focus my attention on visualising my positive intentions for the day. Before I get out of bed in the morning, I will lie back and do a few minutes of belly breathing. As I breathe slowly down into my belly and let each breath float back out, I will think about my good intentions for the day by saying to myself “today I would like to ….” and then picturing it happening in my mind. If my self-critic or inner future-predictor interferes and I start thinking about barriers to my good intentions or reasons why it won’ t work out, I will notice the thoughts then come back to my breath and my intentions for the day. After a few minutes, I will open my eyes if I had them closed and move on into my day, carrying my values and positive intentions with me. In this way, I will get used to setting aside my expectations to get a clear sense of what I value and what I want to happen, so I can carry these things throughout my day and come back to them when I find myself in a tough moment. I’ ll also get to start my day off with a bit of calm breathing which might help set me up for a more relaxed day too. Once I am comfortable with spending a few moments breathing and connecting with my values and wishes rather than my fears and expectations, I will add this to my Personal Coping Kete as a strategy for self-soothing during times of stress and upset.When I notice I am distressed, I will be able to take a moment to breathe, come back to my own values and intentions as a way of soothing my unhelpful thoughts and problem-solving how I will deal with the situation I am facing.
Posted in: Engagement, Self-Soothing ⋅ Tagged: , , , , , , , ,

No. 136: One Thing I Can Do/ One Thing I Like

May 23, 2013 3:28 pm ⋅ 
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing...


...I will practice paying attention to the things I can do and the things I like to engage with to help build my sense of self-efficacy (sense of being able to handle things) and awareness of enjoyable experiences. This will help build my resilience to stress and distress and will also give me good data about myself that I can use to self-soothe when I am stressed and create  positive emotion when I am low.

To prepare, I will take a page in a notebook and divide it into two columns. The first column, I will title 'One Thing I Can Do' and the second column I will title 'One Thing I Like' (see example below).

To practice, I will take a moment at the end of each day to write down an example of 'One Thing I Can Do' and 'One Thing I Like' from my day. In the 'One Thing I Can Do' column, I will write down one thing that I did that day that I think I did well and what skill, attribute or quality it involved. In the 'One Thing I Like' column, I will write down one thing from my day that I enjoyed or appreciated and what it was that I liked about it. If I've been having tough times for a while, it might be hard to do this because I will be out of practice at noticing these things and I might have stopped doing a lot of the things I am good at and like. If I find it hard, I will have compassion for myself and practice noticing the smallest of small signs of 'Things I Can Do' or 'Things I Like' - for example, getting out of bed, showering and single moments of laughter.

As I move through the week, I will think through my growing list and know that there are things I can do to get through and things I like that can change my mood. As my awareness grows I will start trying to mindfully do those things when I notice my mood is low or my thinking is negative.  This week, I will practice building the evidence that lets me remind myself "there is always one thing I can do and one thing that I can enjoy."

My notebook columns would look something like this...
Things I can do… Things I like…
Monday: I handled a tricky phone call – diplomatic
Tuesday: I cooked a good dinner – cooking
Wednesday: I supported a friend – supportive
Thursday: I sent work emails – organised
Friday: I solved a problem at work – dedicated
Saturday: I socialised – interactive
Sunday: I did the laundry – conscientious 		Monday: Watching the sunset
Tuesday: Sushi for lunch
Wednesday: Walking in the park in the breeze
Thursday: Watching the waves at the beach
Friday: Watched a movie
Saturday: Hanging out with friends
Sunday: Fresh sheets on the bed

Once I am comfortable noticing what I can do and what I like, and mindfully doing those things, I will add this to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of coping with distress. When I find myself feeling stuck, hopeless or unsure of myself, I will be able to self-soothe by coming back to my old list to remind myself I am capable and the things I can do to change my mood and engage with a way of shifting my experience by doing just one of the things I can do and one thing that I like. This strategy could become self-soothing, engagement or mindful distraction depending on how I used it. 

Posted in: Engagement, Self-Soothing ⋅ Tagged: , ,