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Tag Archives: Communication And Boundaries

No. 142: The No Sandwich

August 25, 2013 2:40 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing…
…I will practice being assertive by using ‘ the no sandwich’ in my daily life when I find myself wanting to say ‘ No’ to something I have been asked. The No Sandwich involves saying ‘ No’ as the middle part of a three-statement sandwich: Empathy Statement + No I Can’t + Empathy Statement. Saying no this way tells the person, I understand what you need and it does matter to me, even though I cannot do what is being asked, I feel for your situation and our relationship is important to me. This is a useful way of saying no without offending people. This week, I will practice the No Sandwich in the times I would ordinarily say no to something day-to-day and non-emotional, like if I am offered a food or beverage I don’ t want at the time or asked to go out when I am not free. I will use these unemotional situations to practice the technique.
The No Sandwich Goes Like This…

  1. A positive or empathy statement about what has been asked or why it has been asked. E.G. “That sounds like it could be fun” or “I can totally relate to being so busy you can’ t get it all done yourself, it is so stressful, I’ m kind of in the same boat.”
  2. I’ m sorry, no I can’ t… E.G. “I’ m sorry, no I can’ t go out tonight.” or “I’ m sorry, no I can’ t pick up that extra work at the moment.”
  3. A second positive or empathy statement. E.G “I hope you enjoy yourself though.” or “I hope you are able to find some way to ease the pressure soon.”
Practicing the No Sandwich on day-to-day things might help me get my own needs met more, manage my time and deal with the demands of saying ‘ no’ without having to worry about causing anyone offense. If someone does not accept my No Sandwich, I will offer them another one.
Part of saying no, involves knowing what we do and do not want and accepting those wants and needs as valid. We all have different levels of awareness of our own needs, so part of this week might also involve noticing my own needs and how I respond to them, such as whether I usually tend to put them aside to please others or not. I might start the week by making a list of things I know I need this week, like time to sleep, prepare and eat food, do my work or study tasks, house-work and family time, friends time and alone-time, so I know where my boundaries are on the day-to-day stuff from the start.
When I am comfortable using the No Sandwich to say ‘ no’ in ordinary day-to-day situations, I will add The No Sandwich to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of expressing myself during times of stress and distress, when others may be crossing my personal boundaries or asking more of me than I am comfortable giving. When I am distressed, I will be able to use the No Sandwich to say ‘ no’ to the things that don’ t help me in a positive way.
Posted in: Expression & Support ⋅ Tagged: , ,

No. 137: Use the Three Gates of Expression

May 30, 2013 3:47 pm ⋅ 
This week to attain, maintain, or regain my sense of wellbeing... 

I will practice effective expression by regularly pausing before I speak to ask myself three questions.

	Is it true?
	Is it necessary?
	Is it kind?

I will let my answers to these questions guide me in what I choose to say and how I choose to say it. In this way I will get used to (1) speaking accurately, (2) saying what I need to say and (3) expressing myself respectfully, even if what I have to say might be hard for the person to hear.

This strategy is inspired by a Sufi saying that translates into English as:
Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates.
At the first gate, ask yourself, ‘Is it true?’ 
At the second ask, ‘Is it necessary?’
At the third gate ask ‘Is it kind?'

As I move through my week, I will practice pausing and briefly reflecting on these three questions in everyday conversation. This will help me work out how to pause myself, how to think about the three questions and how to work my reflections into what I choose to say. It might be that I need to take time out to reflect or I might be able to reflect quickly in the moment.

When I am familiar with doing this kind of reflective communication, I will add 'Use the Three Gates of Expression' to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of expressing myself during times of stress and distress. When I am upset, I will be able to consider what the grains of truth beneath my reaction are, whether it is necessary for me to talk to this person about this specific thing and how I can express what I have to say kindly and with respect. It might also help me to balance out my thoughts during moments of distress when things can easily become distorted or blown out of proportion.
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No. 125: Connect with Being Part of a Community

February 1, 2013 11:58 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… ""…I will practice connecting with the community around me. This week, as I move through each day, I will practice belonging to my community and letting my community belonging to me. We so often live right next to each other for years, without ever stopping to say ‘ hey how is it going?’ to each other and the world can become a lonely, anonymous place at times. This week, I will say hello to the shop-keepers and checkout operators and stop to pass the time of day. I will introduce myself to my neighbours if I don’ t know them and pause to chat when I see them. I will take part in any free, public events and projects like music in parks, open mic nights, art exhibitions or tree planting working bees. I will walk around my community and appreciate the spaces around me. I will take the time to ask people about themselves and what they do, whenever I have a chance so I can learn about the people around me. All the while I will remind myself that I am part of a wider community and the wider community is part of me. When I am bored or at a loose end, I will do something to connect with being part of that community. This week I practice getting to know my community and letting my community get to know me. After engaging with my community for a while, I will be well prepared to self-soothe and distract myself from negative thoughts and feelings when the going gets tough. The experience of connection will be like ammo when I find myself feeling disconnected or lonely. Connecting with my community may help me practice expressing myself to others and build a wider support network of people I could turn to in a rough spot. When I am familiar with doing things that connect me to my community, I will add ‘ Connect with Being Part of a Community’ to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of shifting my mood during times of stress and distress. If I am feeling down, I will be able to turn to one of my familiar community connection strategies to distract myself. Doing things that connect me with my community might also help to self-soothe some things too, especially if I’ ve been feeling isolated. When I notice my self-talk seems lonely, I will remind myself of my previous experiences of being connected to self-soothe and I will try to put some of my previous activities into action.
Posted in: Engagement, Expression & Support ⋅ Tagged: , ,

No. 106: Lean on Someone

July 21, 2012 12:40 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete…I will practice leaning on the people around me when things start to feel a little stressful. Leaning on the people around me means that this week, I will share what I am going through with the people around me and accept their offers of help. If people ask me how they can help, I will practice letting them know. So often, we turn down help because we think we ‘ should’ be able to take care of everything on our own. This week, I will practice turning to the people around me for help, even with smaller stressors. As I move through the week, I will note who seems to respond to well to my sharing and who responds less well. This will allow me to figure out the best people to go to for help later. If I notice there aren’ t many people in my life who respond well, I might turn my attention to an engagement strategy for building some connections with some more supportive people. When I am familiar with letting people know I am finding something hard and accepting their help with everyday kinds of things, I will add ‘ Lean on Someone’ to my Personal Coping Kete as a strategy for getting through times of intense distress. I might keep a list of good people to contact in my Kete too.
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No. 76: Remembering Boundaries

December 22, 2011 12:03 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete…I will practice putting boundaries between other people’ s responses and myself. So often, I can find myself upset or anxious about the way in which other people like my family and friends respond to me. It is so easy to believe that negative reactions or unwanted responses from others are a result of something about me, some flaw or failing or lack of worth. This can lead me down a spiral of negative thoughts, unpleasant physical responses and distressing emotion. This week, when other people respond negatively to me, I will practice saying to myself “That response is about them, not about me. We all have our own sets of issues and idiosyncrasies. Right now in this moment, I am also responding to my own set of issues and unique preferences.” I will then mindfully move my attention to something else. I will try to observe how thinking this way affects my perception of things. This week I will practice acknowledging that we each have a different make-up and we do not need to like the same things or have the same attitudes and values. When someone responds to me in an unwanted way, I will remind myself of this insight. This way, I will not feel the need to take on too much responsibility for the way things work out or the responses other people give me. This week, I am here living my life, having my responses and I am allowing other people to be here living their lives, having their responses to it. Once I am comfortable thinking this way, I will add ‘ remembering the boundaries between us’ to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of soothing the sting out of distressing interpersonal situations. To extend this exercise, if I need to, I might think through some of the other, non-personalised reasons that the person responded the way they did, as is described in strategy No. 65.
Posted in: Self-Soothing ⋅ Tagged: ,

No. 2 – Small Moments of Expression

July 7, 2010 8:22 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete …Try practicing small moments of expression by naming what you are feeling in the moment out loud to the people around you. Using small moments of expression helps other people understand and be supportive at times of stress and distress. You can practice expression by having a conversation, but expression can also be in our simple, throw-away comments. Not all expression needs to be in-depth and serious, even if what we are communicating is serious. Small moments of expression can be really useful if we are in the habit of keeping everything to ourselves. Start small by replying honestly when someone asks how your day is or naming the everyday moments of stress and distress out loud to the people around you. Of course we need to choose suitable times and adjust to the situation we are in but it’ s usually possible to acknowledge in some way when stress is present for you. For example, saying ‘ Man, this is full on!‘ Or ‘ this is stressful!’ Or letting someone know ‘ I’ ve been better’ when they ask how you are. Sometimes, just saying it out loud and having it heard is all we need. Who knows, someone might relate, a moment of stress could become a moment of connection. When we have to hide our experiences they tend to intensify inside us. So it is important to be able to name what we are feeling sometimes. You might use small moments of expression with a friend, family member, teacher, colleague, boss, class-mate, online friend, the person in the supermarket, whoever is present at the time. If no one else is around, try naming it privately to yourself or call someone or get in touch with a helpline.
Once you are comfortable with your small moments of expression, add ‘ Name It in the Moment’ to your Personal Coping Kete for use during times of stress and distress. Once you have practiced small moments of expression, you will be better able to give yourself the chance to be supported when you are distressed.
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