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Tag Archives: Acceptance

No. 160: Call On Your Compassionate Self

April 17, 2015 11:09 am ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing…
… create a compassionate self to call on in times of stress and distress. We often have a strong self-critic or even a self-bully that pipes up to tell us all the worst things about ourselves and what we are going through. If we reflect on our self-talk in times of distress we might notice we use blaming, judgmental and sometimes downright mean words with ourselves that leave us feeling ten times worse. Having a compassionate self allows us to use soothing, understanding, non-judgmental, kind and supportive words with ourselves instead of or in response to the self-critic or the self-bully. Start out by creating a character map of your compassionate self.It’s easiest to do all this on a piece of paper, in writing or drawing, to make it concrete and give us something to come back to later.

1. First, think about what compassion means to you. If you find it difficult to be compassionate towards yourself, it might help to think of what another compassionate person might do, or even what you are like when you are being compassionate towards other people. Think about what you might need from your compassionate self and what compassion involves for you. Is your compassionate self forgiving, respectful, kind, aware of what is important to you, caring, accepting, warm, humorous or all of those things and more? What does your compassionate self think about making mistakes, flaws, limitations, weaknesses, failures, and negative life events?

2. The next step is building a visual image for your compassionate self. What does your compassionate self look like? They could look like someone who has treated you with compassion in the past, a creature you have found comforting or it could look like you when you are being compassionate, understanding and kind to someone you care about. Think about what facial expressions and gestures your compassionate self might make to show their empathy, understanding and warmth and what it feels like to be near that. How does your compassionate self look at you? What do they do when they see you suffer?

3. Next you need to create a voice for your compassionate self. What does your compassionate self sound like? Think about what tone of voice it uses, what it sounds like, how loud its voice is and how fast it speaks. Finally, create some words for your compassionate self. What does your compassionate self say to you? Think about what words and phrases your compassionate self uses to soothe, show kindness and be understanding. It’ s easiest to do all this on a piece of paper, in writing or drawing, to make it concrete and give you something to come back to later.

Now you are ready to practice, take one to two minutes a day to sit mindfully with your thoughts about the day ahead and practice responding to them with this compassionate self you are learning to build inside you. Have a little conversation with them. What would this kind, accepting part of you say back to these thoughts and feelings you are holding right now? What would they offer you? How would they do it? Whenever you notice other thoughts distracting you, describe them to yourself, respond to them using your compassionate self and return to visualising yourself talking to my compassionate self about the coming day.

Once you are familiar with visualising your compassionate self and responding to your thoughts with a compassionate voice, add “Call on Your Compassionate Self” to your Personal Coping Kete as a way of coping with stress and distress. You will be able to call on the compassionate part of yourself to support yourself through stressful times with soothing, kind, respectful and understanding words, ideas and images, instead of being pushed along by your mind’ s negative self-talk on autopilot.

Posted in: Self-Soothing ⋅ Tagged: , ,

No. 157: Thank You, Brain

July 17, 2014 12:14 pm ⋅ 
This week, to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing...

...practice noticing and naming the stories your brain tells you and thanking your brain for trying to keep you safe, in all senses of the word. We usually all have a few chains of thought that repeatedly pop up to trigger stress and distress and pull us away from the things we really want to be doing. We can think of these repetitive thought patterns as stories our minds have learned to tell us to try to keep us safe. In a way our brains are automatic storytellers. Often we get caught up and stuck in the stories our minds are throwing up at us. One way to detach from those stories and take the heat out of the distress they create, is to practice naming each of the stories and then literally thanking our brain for doing its job. We don't need to believe, accept or agree with the story - and if we do, that doesn't mean we get much out of being caught up in it or responding to it. Instead of resisting it and struggling against it, this week simply practice naming it and saying 'thank you brain!'

To prepare, take some time to write down some of the things that your mind often throws up when you are distressed. Name the most repetitive thoughts or the ones that trigger the toughest emotions, as in, give them titles you can refer to them by - there is often some kind of "I can't cope" story, "bad self" story or "dangerous others" story in the mix.  These are tough thought-chains to deal with when we are caught up believing them or struggling against them, especially when they have been 'true' for us in the past. Struggling against a story makes our mind keep repeating it. Naming the story and saying 'thank you brain' lets our mind know we are aware and reframes the thoughts as ideas and words instead of realities we need to act on - this often lets our mind know it can stop telling the story so loudly.

Once you have named some of the stories you notice your brain often tells you, practice naming them as you notice them throughout your day. Try to pause whenever you move between tasks or situations to practice observing what stories your brain is telling in the moment and saying "Thank you brain, for telling me the xyz story. I hear you", then move forward with your valued direction or do another coping strategy to make things workable.

To start with, practice naming stories and thanking your brain for telling them in ordinary, transition moments, rather in times of intense distress when it will be difficult to use a new strategy. It can help to also observe what the function of the story and the emotions that go with it might be.  It can also help to name what our intentions and valued directions are too.  These can be like alternative stories we are learning to tell ourselves. For example, "Thank you brain for the "I can't cope" story, I know you are trying to make me anxious, so I will be cautious, to keep me safe from threats. My intention is to discover how to handle this risk because independence and new experiences are important to me." Some variation of "Thank you, brain, for trying to protect me" or "Thank you, I appreciate that you're trying to help, brain."

This might seem like a bit of strange thing to do. But imagine your mind is like a micro-managing advisor at school or work - or maybe a worried parent at home. Like any advisor, some of the advice is useful and some of it is not useful to us at all - and we get to choose what stories we want to take on board. What usually happens if you ignore an advisor or argue with them? They usually just get louder and more persistent, don't they? But if we let an advisor know we have heard them and thank them for their message, then they are more likely to quieten down and we can get on with what we need to do. Responding to our thoughts in this way can help us to see our thoughts for what they are - words, stories, and images that arise in our minds automatically - and this in turn can help us get a bit of distance from them and more mindfully choose which thoughts we want to respond to. 

Here is a short video from Russ Harris for an example of what this might look like: Thanking Your Mind: https://youtu.be/206WtwEyqzg?si=my2d8Z_kBr_abccA

Once you are comfortable with this practice, add Naming The Stories and Thank You, Brain to your Personal Coping Kete for times of stress and distress.
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No. 156: Make Space

June 12, 2014 11:56 am ⋅ 
This week, to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing...

...practice making space for whatever you are feeling, rather than trying to push them away. When you experience distressing thoughts or feelings, acknowledge that it is there, then turn your attention to where you feel it in your body, observe the feeling with curiosity, take three deep breaths and imagine each breath flowing in around this feeling, opening up more space around it. Breath into it and imagine expanding around it, whatever that means to you. Notice also the way your chest and stomach literally expand with each breath, opening up a little more room inside you. Notice that no matter how big the feeling gets, it never gets bigger than you. See if you can just allow it to be there without trying to change it. If it changes of its own accord that's okay, but your aim is to simply allow it to be there. Practice saying to yourself "It's okay to feel this, I am a human being with a human heart," "I have room for this", "I can allow this feeling to be here", "I can make space for this." Take another few deep breaths, and whenever you feel ready, turn your attention towards the present moment and whatever it is you need to do right now. 

Making space for our emotions, or in other words allowing them, or accepting them, is so much easier than fighting against them, arguing with them, or judging ourselves for them. Making space can help us respond to distressing experiences with more compassion and reduce how much suffering we have to go through. 

Once you are comfortable with this practice, add Make Space to your Personal Coping Kete for times of stress and distress.
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No. 150: Make a Memory Jar

December 31, 2013 3:04 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete… practice holding onto good memories by making and using a Memory Jar. To make a Memory Jar, all you need to do is get a jar with a lid that you can fill with reminders of your positive, special or treasured memories throughout the year. Each day, write down at least one positive thing you want to remember later. Write down the small things like amazing views or scenery you have seen or fabulous food you have eaten or moments of laughter with friends as well as the big events and achievements that happen throughout the days and weeks of the year. Some people add objects and pictures to their memory jars too – like ticket stubs from good movies and concerts, photos of friends, shells from beach trips, dried flowers etc etc. Your Memory Jar can become a real lucky dip of treasured moments that you will be able to use as fuel for feeling good in days to come. To start with, you’ ll need to get your Memory Jar ready. Click here to see some Memory Jars made by other people. Some people decorate their memory jars – you could get really creative with this. Next schedule in some time each day for the next week, to write at least one new memory on a slip of paper and add it to the jar. If you have been feeling low, try to choose a time of the day when you usually feel the best. It is harder to notice positives when we are feeling negative, so if you find it tough to think of positive memories from the day, don’ t be hard on yourself for it. It helps to start small with just little things that have brought us a bit of pleasure. You might find it easier to write things down as they happen or to think back further than this one day or week. At the end of the week, look through your Memory Jar and practice remembering each of the good moments. Plan how to continue adding to your jar as you move through the year and then dip into it when you need some help to hold on to the good bits alongside the areas of dissatisfaction you carry or for those times you need some inspiration for how to feel better. It might help to keep it somewhere you will see it often. Reviewing your Memory Jar regularly will help you to get comfortable holding your positive memories in mind without cancelling them out with the bad stuff that has happened. This can help us to prevent the difficult things from taking over our whole view. You might find yourself having pessimistic or cynical thoughts about the activity, especially if you are in a low mood right now. Finding it hard to remember positive things doesn’ t mean that there have been no positive things. It just means you haven’ t noticed any positive things or you didn’ t count them when you did, maybe they seemed inconsequential or insignificant. Sometimes it can help to write down something you think you would find positive on a different day if you were in a better mood. By practicing the art of writing something down every day, you will practice holding onto positive memories in the face of difficulty and hardship, when it is all too easy to forget them. You’ ll also have a really neat record of your year to look back on in days to come. As you gather more and more memories in your jar, and get comfortable noticing, recording and recalling positive memories, add ‘ Use My Memory Jar’ to your Personal Coping Kete for moments of stress and distress. If you are finding things hard, take out your Memory Jar and use it to shift my thoughts to good times and moments of gratitude and find some ideas for things to do in the present to shift your mood. In times of stress and distress, as well as remembering good memories, try to add one new good memory to your Memory Jar a day. Even when everything is terrible, you will be able to find one good thing to add to your Memory Jar. Doing this during tough times might help you to balance out some of your unwanted thoughts and feelings and shift the intensity of your moods a bit.
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Happy New Year from Engage Aotearoa
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No. 118: Declare a Peace Treaty with the Moment

November 3, 2012 2:41 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing … Coping Kete… I will practice mindful distraction and self-soothing by regularly pausing and declaring a peace treaty with the current moment. When I declare a peace treaty with a moment, that means I am committing to spend a moment in peace before moving on to my next experience of the day. I will surrender whatever is on my mind for a moment and peacefully engage my attention in my surroundings. This week, when I am in between tasks, I will practice saying to myself either silently or out loud “I declare a peace treaty with this moment.” I will then take a minute or more to ground myself peacefully in the current moment before I move on to the next task before me. Declaring a peace treaty with a moment means that for this moment I will interact with myself and my surroundings in a kind, calm way. I will take 10 slow, deep breaths while I stop and mindfully observe my current surroundings. As I notice thoughts about the past or the future surfacing, I will remind myself of my peace treaty with this moment and turn my attention back to my peaceful breathing and the space around me in this current moment. In accordance with my peace treaty, if I notice critical or judgemental thoughts, I will say something kind or accepting to myself to soothe them. I will then bring my attention back to my breathing and observing my current surroundings. In this way, I will practice giving myself times of relaxation and release from worrying or critical self-talk. By practicing breathing at the same time, I will be able to return to the next task of the day with a clearer mind and calmer mood. Each time I find myself in between tasks, I will stop and practice declaring a peace treaty with the moment again. Throughout the week I will experiment with different ways of doing it until I find what works well for me. I will keep a record of the things that make it tricky and how to respond to them differently next time, so I can start to build a good list of what a Peace Treaty with the Moment looks like and involves for me. Once I have become familiar with the practice of declaring a peace treaty with a moment and taking some time to be present and kind to myself in between ordinary, daily tasks, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete for times when I find myself struggling against stress and distress. I will be able to declare a peace treaty with the difficult moment, disengage from feelings of conflict and take some time out to send myself some mindful messages of calm and compassion before I respond. _ _ _ _ Acknowledgement: This mindfulness strategy was inspired by Thich Naht Hanh’ s Peace Treaty method for communication during conflict. Thich Naht Hanh is known for creating the Engaged Buddhism movement and popularising mindfulness in the Western world.
Posted in: Mindful Distraction, Self-Soothing ⋅ Tagged: , , , , ,

No. 114: List Poems

September 28, 2012 10:55 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete…I will spend 10 – 15 minutes every day writing a list poem about the things I have seen, done and felt that day. Each evening, I will sit down with a notebook and write a list of five things I saw that day, five things I did that day and five things I felt or thought. I will try to make each item on each list different. Then I will rearrange or join the items on my lists into a poem. I might add words and images or change things in my lists as well. In this way I will practice regularly reflecting on my daily experience and finding a creative way to express it. While I am thinking of the words to use and working on rearranging the lines, I might get a bit of time out from worrying about things. If I get distracted by concerns of the day I will work them into the list and return my focus to the creative task at hand. By working to include a number of different experiences in the list I will practice having an expansive awareness of my day without letting one experience override everything I have been aware of. If I felt like it, I could share my poems with someone else as a way to connect with support and encouragement, but they are really something that I will do just for myself. Once I am comfortable making list poems about a typical day, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a strategy for distracting myself from the moment and creatively expressing myself in times of stress and distress.Example list poem.

28/09/2012

The aluminium sky

the neighbour’ s stray cat

my own reflection in the window

outside the path littered with petals

the wind-blown tree.

 

I have typed so many messages

dressed myself to match

bought new socks and worn them

cooked hot food and eaten it

peeled an orange and given you half.

My small victories.

 

I was caring about everything

sadness for all the news

I thought I saw you flinch when I said that

worrying over the day’ s mathematics

joy in the act of nurturing something.

– M. Barr

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No. 104: Connecting with Interests & Skills

July 6, 2012 3:59 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping KeteI will practice connecting with my interests and developing my skills by joining some kind of community course. Most community centres offer cheap community classes on topics ranging from cooking and clothing alterations to ballroom dancing, yoga and martial arts. This week I will spend time exploring my options and finding a first class to try. It could take a few tries before I find a class that suits me. I will use my local telephone directory, The Community Resources Directory, web searches and local noticeboards to get a picture of what is available in my community. I might also talk to the people around me about what is out there and whether they recommend anything. As I move through my day I will remember that I am exploring my interests and am well on my way along the path towards a more enjoyable life. Any points of dissatisfaction are simply the areas that are still works in progress. It might be hard for me to get myself along so I might ask a friend, family member or other supporter if they want to come with me. That might also be a nice way to strengthen a relationship I have been wanting to build. Once I have found a hobby-course that I enjoy and I have become familiar with the activity I have been learning, I will add the activity to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of engaging with my skills and interests to shift my mood when I am distressed. * * * Today’ s post marks two full years of The Coping Kete in its online form. The Coping Kete book is coming soon.
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No. 96: Learning a Theme Song

May 11, 2012 1:19 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete…I will use music to help me improve the moment and connect with positive emotion by learning to hum or whistle a song I associate with happy vibes and good energy. If no song jumps to mind automatically I will get to spend some time listening to different songs until I find one I like. Then as I move through my day, I will periodically remember to practice humming or whistling the tune while I am doing my daily tasks. This could help to insert some pleasant energy into whatever I am doing. Once I am comfortable and familiar with humming or whistling my tune, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a distraction and self-soothing technique for times of stress and distress. Then, when I find myself stressed or distressed, I can distract myself for a moment by trying to remember the tune and whistling/humming it. The act of humming and whistling changes the level of oxygen in the blood and can physically help to soothe negative emotions I could be feeling, so I can return to the situation later with a clearer head. Whenever I hum or whistle my tune, I will be reminded of the positive message of the song I chose and this might also help inspire me through tough moments. This is also a pretty good strategy to use if I ever feel so anxious that it gets hard to breathe. Humming or whistling a song could help to counteract that without having to focus my attention onto my breathing.
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No. 89: Draw an Object

March 23, 2012 8:09 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete… I will practice drawing objects around me as a way of refocusing my attention away from unhelpful thoughts and giving myself a break. If I notice myself getting stressed or distressed I will take a couple of moments to sketch an object in my immediate surroundings. It could be a pen on my desk or a plant on the windowsill or anything at all. I can draw it any way I want and it doesn’ t matter whether my drawing even looks like the object at all. The point is to focus my attention on something else for a while. I could also just spend some time each day drawing as a way to get some down-time. In preparation I’ ll make sure I have a notebook and a pencil on hand. Once I am familiar with drawing objects in my surroundings as a way of capturing my attention, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a strategy for mindfully distracting myself from distress.
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No. 60: The Good Mood Diet

September 1, 2011 12:21 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅

This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing…

Coping KeteI am going to practice The Good Mood Diet. It’ s not a food diet, though food will be part of it. The good mood diet is about creating opportunities for positive moods. This will strengthen my resilience to stress and distress, because it will become easier to counter dark thoughts when I have been experiencing some positive things.

The Good Mood Diet is about finding small activities that can be fitted into everyday life on a regular basis. It’ s not about trying to only experience good moods, but about making sure that good moods are part of my experience.

I will start by making my own Good Mood Diet plan, which involves first making a series of lists:

    • FUN: A list of things I have enjoyed doing alone or with others
    • TIME-OUT: A list of things that I have found relaxing or peaceful or freeing – we all need time to do just as we please, to chill.
    • NOURISHMENT: A list of things that I found nurturing for my body
    • ACHIEVEMENT: A list of small everyday things that have given me a sense of accomplishment or strength utilisation.

Once I have built my four lists, I will take out my diary or day-planner and I will plan in one item from each list for every day of my week. That means that every day, among my usual activities, I will do one thing I find fun, one thing that gives me time out from expectations, one thing that strengthens my body and one thing that shows me my capabilities and skills.

No matter what is happening in my life, I value myself enough to gift myself the opportunity to experience the good bits.

To help myself along I will make sure that the items on my lists are specific and small enough to be achievable. I will keep my schedule in mind and ensure that the ideas I generate will fit with that. For example, planning full-day activities when I don’ t have full-days available will set myself up to be unsuccessful. It would be more useful to find little elements of the larger activity that I could implement given my particular context and situation.

If I find it difficult to think of items to try out, I will use the comments feature below to seek help or talk to some friends about what things they might try. Sometimes bad days and distressing moments come about because we become disconnected from these activities. But when we are stressed and distressed, it is extra hard to do these things. As much as possible, I will try to practice them in advance when I am feeling okay or during higher energy times of the day.

Once I have gotten comfortable putting a good mood diet in place, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as something to return to in times of stress and distress.

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