Engage Aotearoa

Category Archives: Self-soothing

No. 65: Soothing the Personal Sting

October 6, 2011 4:46 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping KeteI will practice taking the sting out of interpersonal situations by viewing other people’ s actions and reactions as being about them and not me. It is a natural human response to consider how we are received by those around us. Often though, we can personalise things that really have nothing to do with us. For example if someone frowns while we are speaking, we might assume they are displeased with us. But they could be concentrating or have a personal relationship to something we said. This week I will give people space to be responding to their own set of wants, needs, attitudes and challenges. Thinking about alternative, less personal ways of interpreting things can really help to reduce our sense of distress or hurt. So this week when I notice shifts in mood, I am going to scan my thoughts and see whether I have been taking something personally. Whenever I catch myself taking something on board as being about me, I will make a quick list of other things that could be responsible as well. It can often help to jot these things down in a notepad or on a scrap of paper – when we are really distressed it can otherwise be quite hard to concentrate on alternative explanations. This exercise could help with dealing with past situations that continue to distress me as memories as well. Once I have become comfortable identifying personalised thoughts and taking out the personal sting in everyday situations, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of thinking myself through stress and distress.
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No. 63: Taking Comfort in the Inevitability of Change

September 22, 2011 8:58 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… "" …I will practice taking a couple of deep breaths and keeping a sense of perspective by reminding myself about the inevitability of change and how the current moment will shift. It might take a minute, an hour, a day or even weeks or months, but things will be different. Nothing ever stays the same. I will tell myself this in the moment and I will think about how I would like it to be different and what could be done to move myself closer to that picture of things. If it is hard to focus on this without counteracting it with negative automatic thoughts, I will try writing it down. I will then turn my attention to something else in my environment to involve my attention in something else. I am practicing allowing myself to let go of each moment and get a different experience. Once I am familiar with taking comfort in the possibility of change and redirecting my attention in everyday situations, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of coping with stressful and distressing moments.
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No. 62: Easing the burden

September 15, 2011 11:08 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… ""I will remember the words of Ingrid Bacci, ‎”Inner growth is a slow and incremental process that accomplishes extraordinary results through what often look like minute daily changes” As I move through my daily life, this week, I will recall this quote and remind myself that all that is required are “minute changes” – and minute changes or minute actions are usually pretty manageable. I will observe how thinking about things in this way affects me. There’ s real wisdom in the old saying that the longest journey, begins with the smallest step. I will take comfort in my smallest steps. In each moment of distress, I will ask myself, what’ s the smallest step I could take to shift my experience right now? What’ s smaller than that? When I’ ve got to the minutest change, I’ ll think about giving that a go. The act of thinking through this exercise is a minute change in itself, whether it leads to anything else or not. When I manage to do it, I will be sure to acknowledge the achievement to myself. Once I am used to lowering my expectations for myself in everyday situations, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete for times of heightened stress of distress. When I feel impatient or frustrated with myself about something or feel overwhelmed by a situation, I will remember that growth and survival comes from minute actions. I will think of minute actions I can take in the moment and remember how they have affected me recently.
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No. 59: Building a Positive Memory Bank

August 25, 2011 4:52 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete… I will use self-talk to congratulate and praise myself for each small positive thing that happens or each thing that I do well. That means that this week I will notice the little moments of strength, skill, safety and resilience. I will consciously acknowledge these moments to myself, by describing them in my head and giving myself some kind of ‘ well done’ or ‘ good one’ and actually let myself feel good about it. I will make sure that I smile each time. Once I am used to acknowledging my strengths and successes in everyday moments, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of soothing negative automatic thoughts during times of stress and distress. Whenever I notice myself feeling stressed, pressed or distressed, I will recall these moments of self-praise to give myself some supportive evidence that I can get through this moment and work to notice the good things I am doing in this moment right now. I will bring myself back to the concept that ‘ this too shall pass‘ by building memories of myself getting through and recalling them when I need to. This starts by building my awareness of the small moments when things go well, rather than only counting the big events as meaningful.
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No. 58: Coming Back to Centre

August 18, 2011 8:26 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping KeteI will be mindful of the calm, light centre I take within me everywhere I go. No matter what life layers on top of me, that centre is unchangeable. I will be aware that though my moods and thoughts and situation change, I can always return to this light place within. It is there, even when I can’ t see or feel it. Even if I am feeling really low or dark, the light place within me remains. I can touch it whenever I want to. When I notice slight shifts in my mood and frame of mind, I will remind myself that I carry this place within me. In my mind’ s eye I will visualise this calm centre inside me and I will see myself moving towards it, while I practice the standard breathing exercise. In this way, I will practice reminding myself of my own intrinsic, unchangeable worth and capacity to experience something different in a range of different situations. Once I am comfortable noticing slight shifts in my mood and coming back to centre, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of self-soothing in the midst of distressing situations.
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No. 57: That Was Then & This Is Now

August 11, 2011 8:22 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete….when I notice my mind wandering over the past, I will practice bringing myself back to the present by regularly pausing to describe each of the elements of my environment in the present moment. I will use the standard breathing exercise to send my body calming messages, while I look around my current environment and observe what is happening around me right now. Once I am familiar with recalling myself to the present moment in everyday situations, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of distracting myself from distressing memories and recollections. When my mind wanders back onto the memories, I will give myself compassion for the distress that the event originally caused and then move my awareness back to the current moment, in which I am safe. For example, I could say to myself “it’ s natural to be remembering that now. That was then, and this is now, right now I am in a room at the computer….[describe the room] … and I am safe.” I will be kind to myself with my self-talk when these remembrances occur. Especially, I will give myself the kindness of bringing myself back to the present when I need it.
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No. 56: The Kind-Hearted Self-Therapist

August 4, 2011 3:14 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping KeteI will practice using a self-interview technique to give myself support and get clear on what is happening for me each day. The self-interview technique involves inventing my own ideal supporter or self-therapist and then taking on the role myself by asking myself a series of gentle questions and answering them. I can do this in my head or on a piece of paper. A lot of people find it easier on paper to begin with. In preparation for practicing the technique, I will write a short list of questions down on a small piece of paper that I can easily keep handy to jog my memory. This is important because I will probably find it hard to think of useful questions to ask myself when I am in the middle of feeling stressed or distressed. Also in preparation, I will invent a whole character around this self-therapist based on the ideal form of support I would like to receive when I am distressed – then when I do the activity, it might be easier to practice talking to myself in this loving, compassionate way, especially if it is something I don’ t do very often. I will then practice using my kind-hearted self-interview about my daily experience every day. Once I am comfortable interviewing myself about my daily experiences in a compassionate way like this, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of dealing with stress and distress. When I notice that I am feeling stressed or distressed, I will pause and use the self-interview to give myself a moment to become aware of what is driving my response and what could balance it out in a supportive, compassionate way. Some good questions to ask myself might be:\r

    \r

  1. What is in my mixed-bag of feelings right now?

    2. \r

  2. What thoughts have been running through my head?

    3. \r

  3. What is happening around me right now?

    4. \r

  4. What are the other possible interpretations of these events?

    5. \r

  5. What evidence do I have for these alternative interpretations?

    6. \r

  6. What interpretations take all of the evidence into account?

    7. \r

\r This exercise will allow me to practice stepping out of the moment to access a more objective state of mind that fits with my way of seeing things. When human beings are distressed our attention naturally narrows down to focus only on the things that are distressing so we can react to them – this exercise will allow me to return to a more expansive viewpoint that is able to take in all of the elements of the situation around me before I react. Often this will change the way I feel about the situation and bring the intensity of my responses down. It takes time to get familiar with techniques like this one – if we are used to being our biggest self-critic, we might find ourselves engaging in self-judgement at various times, which can sometimes make these thought-based activities distressing. I will pay special attention to giving myself encouraging self-talk and compassion during the activity, respecting the way I react to and cope with things. In this way, I will take the role of kind-hearted, self-therapist. I could give myself my ideal form of support, regardless of what kinds of support I am actually being given from the people around me.

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No. 55: Progressive Muscle Relaxation

July 28, 2011 6:25 pm ⋅ 
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing...



...practice progressive muscle relaxation. Find a quiet place where you can lie down comfortably and spend 10-15 minutes systematically tensing and relaxing each muscle group in your body.This is about inducing a sensations of relaxation and being really mindful of what we are doing. Thoughts will come and go, just notice whenever you are distracted and come back to the task at hand. 

Start with your toes and work your way up through your body: feet, calves, thighs, stomach, chest, hands, arms, shoulders, neck, and face. For each muscle group, tense the muscles for 5-10 seconds, really focusing on what this feels like, then release and relax for 10-15 seconds, noticing the difference between tension and relaxation.

Try to keep your breathing slow and regular as in the standard breathing exercise, as you work your way through my body, tensing and releasing one muscle-group at a time.

Once you are comfortable with this practice, add Progressive Muscle Relaxation to your Personal Coping Kete for times of stress and distress.

Here is a recorded exercise you can use to guide you as you learn.Click the link below to download the MP3 file to your device. 

Progressive Muscle Relaxation audio by Miriam Larsen-Barr
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No. 53: Regular Reflection-Points

July 14, 2011 6:17 pm ⋅ Leave a Comment ⋅
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… Coping Kete I will spend some time reflecting on where I am and where I want to be. This week will be a period of planning what I want to work on next. As I move through my week, my distress responses and feelings of dissatisfaction will become useful indicators that give me clues on what I would like to be different in my life. I will remind myself that I am a work in progress and the messy areas are simply the bits I haven’t gotten to yet. We’ve now been posting weekly strategies for a year. Today’s post marks the beginning of the next round of strategies. This week, I will keep a notebook on me at all times. Whenever I notice something that I would like to be better at or find easier or respond differently to, I will write it down. At the end of each day I will spend a bit of time reading over my notes for that day. I will spend some time writing down what skills and strengths I will need to develop in order to transform these things for myself. At the end of the week, I will look back over my reflections and select the easiest, simplest one to work on first. In the coming weeks, I will focus on practicing techniques that will help me to develop this skill. I will add ‘A Reflect Point’ to my Personal Coping Kete and return to it from time to time to review where I am at and where I want to go.
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No. 52: Radical Acceptance

July 7, 2011 6:11 pm ⋅ 
This week to attain, maintain or regain your sense of wellbeing...

...practice radical acceptance. Acceptance is "The action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered." Radical Acceptance is "seeing exactly what is [even the really bad things] and just accepting the fact of its existence."

**This week I consent to receive life on its own terms.**

By practicing Radical Acceptance, you give up on fighting reality. You accept what is and what isn't. It doesn't mean you become passive and give up on changing the things you can change.It's actually a lot easier to take action to address things when we are able to accept that they are there, even if we don't like or want them to be that way. 

Useful self-talk statements you can use to practice this attitude shift include...
"I don't like it but it's just the way it is." 
"I don't want it but it's what I've got right now." 
"I can't change what has happened." 
"This is the way things are at the moment."
"It's okay to feel this way, I'm only human." 
"I'm not going to waste my time fighting with myself about this." 
"I can't change what they want to do - other people make their own choices."
"That didn't go the way I hoped."   

Once you are used to using radical acceptance with the everyday stuff, will add it to your Personal Coping Kete as a strategy for soothing unwanted thoughts and feelings.

*Note: Radical acceptance is a concept popularized by mindfulness and the concept of radical acceptance in the mental health community with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).*
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