This week, to attain, maintain, or regain my sense of wellbeing...
...I will practice using the pause points from strategy No. 78 to reflect on what my automatic tendency is at the moment and brainstorm alternative responses. This week is about building and tapping into my awareness of the many response options that are really available to me from moment to moment.
When I notice shifts in my thoughts or mood, I will pause myself to breathe as I did with strategy 78 and then ask myself two questions:
What is my instinctive response in this moment? i.e. Right now I want to...(argue, scream, run away, hide, drink, hurt myself)
What are the available alternatives? i.e. Think of a kind of expression, support, distraction, engagement/problem-solving or self-soothing.
This week, I am going to become aware of the unhelpful responses I want to change and the kinds of alternatives I could possibly learn. As I do this, I will be strengthening the habit of pausing as a first response to distressing emotion as well as learning the practice of considering a wide range of strategies. Often it is the sense that we do not have many or any options available to us that causes distress. So this week, I will be practicing the art of expanding my perception of the options available to me.
It will probably help to use a notebook to record my reflections in, because after some time I will be able to look back on what my consistent instinctive responses have been, get a really good picture of what it is that I am working to change and expand my perspective of how many options are available to me in each moment.
If I am finding it difficult to think of alternative response options on my own, I will practice referring to The Coping Kete or my own Personal Coping Kete to reflect on different options.
If ever I find my self-talk becoming critical about my way of being in the world, I will be able to soothe myself by reminding myself of how I am evolving myself and feel satisfied that I am taking positive steps in my life.
Once I am used to pausing to explore my thoughts, I will add this to my Personal Coping Kete as something to do during moments of distress.
Category Archives: Self-soothing
No. 79: Using the Pause to Explore
No. 76: Remembering Boundaries
This week to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… 
…I will practice putting boundaries between other people’ s responses and myself. So often, I can find myself upset or anxious about the way in which other people like my family and friends respond to me. It is so easy to believe that negative reactions or unwanted responses from others are a result of something about me, some flaw or failing or lack of worth. This can lead me down a spiral of negative thoughts, unpleasant physical responses and distressing emotion. This week, when other people respond negatively to me, I will practice saying to myself “That response is about them, not about me. We all have our own sets of issues and idiosyncrasies. Right now in this moment, I am also responding to my own set of issues and unique preferences.” I will then mindfully move my attention to something else. I will try to observe how thinking this way affects my perception of things. This week I will practice acknowledging that we each have a different make-up and we do not need to like the same things or have the same attitudes and values. When someone responds to me in an unwanted way, I will remind myself of this insight. This way, I will not feel the need to take on too much responsibility for the way things work out or the responses other people give me. This week, I am here living my life, having my responses and I am allowing other people to be here living their lives, having their responses to it. Once I am comfortable thinking this way, I will add ‘ remembering the boundaries between us’ to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of soothing the sting out of distressing interpersonal situations. To extend this exercise, if I need to, I might think through some of the other, non-personalised reasons that the person responded the way they did, as is described in strategy No. 65.
…I will practice putting boundaries between other people’ s responses and myself. So often, I can find myself upset or anxious about the way in which other people like my family and friends respond to me. It is so easy to believe that negative reactions or unwanted responses from others are a result of something about me, some flaw or failing or lack of worth. This can lead me down a spiral of negative thoughts, unpleasant physical responses and distressing emotion. This week, when other people respond negatively to me, I will practice saying to myself “That response is about them, not about me. We all have our own sets of issues and idiosyncrasies. Right now in this moment, I am also responding to my own set of issues and unique preferences.” I will then mindfully move my attention to something else. I will try to observe how thinking this way affects my perception of things. This week I will practice acknowledging that we each have a different make-up and we do not need to like the same things or have the same attitudes and values. When someone responds to me in an unwanted way, I will remind myself of this insight. This way, I will not feel the need to take on too much responsibility for the way things work out or the responses other people give me. This week, I am here living my life, having my responses and I am allowing other people to be here living their lives, having their responses to it. Once I am comfortable thinking this way, I will add ‘ remembering the boundaries between us’ to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of soothing the sting out of distressing interpersonal situations. To extend this exercise, if I need to, I might think through some of the other, non-personalised reasons that the person responded the way they did, as is described in strategy No. 65.
No. 75: Putting My Wants in the Present
This week, to attain, maintain, or regain my wellbeing...
When I find myself wanting or wishing things to be different, I will practice imagining I already have it. This strategy comes from the Buddhist philosophy that "whatever I say to the universe, the universe will respond with only one answer - yes." When we focus on our wanting, our thoughts, moods, and actions will often match that, and we can find ourselves thinking and doing things that perpetuate the wanting rather than doing and thinking things that achieve our goals and bring our yearnings to fruition. According to Buddhism, our thoughts, words and actions are the tools with which we create our realities and when we focus on expressing our state of wanting, that is what we push out into our reality, not what we actually want. So, this week I will experiment with using my self-talk and my imagination to 'push out' the object of my desires into reality, rather than 'pushing out' my wanting.
Step One: When I find myself wanting or wishing things were different, I will change my thought commands and statements to imagine myself in that state now. Instead of saying to myself "I want..." or "I wish..." I will say to myself "I have..." or "I am..." or "I will be...". So for example, instead of "I wish I was in love" I will say to myself "I am going to be in love."
Step Two: I will then imagine what it will feel like to have that which I want. I will let myself feel those feelings, not the feeling of wanting it, but the feeling of actually having it. I will put myself in those feelings in advance. The mind knows no difference between imagination and reality. I am already having the experience that I want to have, I know what it feels like and sounds like and looks like within me. I will stay with those feelings no matter what, I won't let external conditions tell me otherwise.
Life is happening through me. Life is not happening to me.
I will start out with the little moment-to-moment wishes for different interactions and things like that. Once I am comfortable putting my wants into the present I am seeking with everyday things, I will add this to my Personal Coping Kete as a strategy for dealing with distress. When I notice myself feeling distressed, I will tune into what it is I want and use my imagination and self-talk to put myself in that moment now.
No. 74: Chanting Meditation
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… … I will practice chanting as a way of meditating, doing breathing exercises and relaxing myself. First off I will pick a word to use. The little boy in this video link uses the word “yum”. Yoga meditations often use the word ‘ om’ . I will experiment with the kinds of words I use for my chant – different words might have different feelings for me. “Om” is likely so popular because it doesn’ t have any meaning and is just a sound. I might use other sounds too. I will take a deep breath into my belly. As I let the breath out, I will repeat my word in a chant, giving the final repetition a greater emphasis on the last syllable, for example: “yum, yum, yum, yummy” / “Om, om, om, ommmm” / “Love, love, love, lovvvve”. I will be aware of the sensations of the words moving over my lips and the other sensations in my body. I will let the words come nice and slow, so that my out breath is also nice and slow. My mind will be focused on my breath, the words and the sensations of saying them, rather than on the things I worry about. I will repeat the chant at least three times, once a day to practice. This way I’ ll be well-rehearsed if I want to try the strategy when I am distressed or stressed. Chanting changes the level of CO2 in your blood stream, and like singing, can create a sense of euphoria or lightness. Watch this video for a low-key, fun example of using chants to calm ourselves. The little boy in this video has heaps of energy, he gets pretty silly in this and he uses the chant to bring himself back to centre at about 2 minutes in. Once I am familiar with doing chanting meditation, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a strategy for soothing myself and distracting from distress.
… I will practice chanting as a way of meditating, doing breathing exercises and relaxing myself. First off I will pick a word to use. The little boy in this video link uses the word “yum”. Yoga meditations often use the word ‘ om’ . I will experiment with the kinds of words I use for my chant – different words might have different feelings for me. “Om” is likely so popular because it doesn’ t have any meaning and is just a sound. I might use other sounds too. I will take a deep breath into my belly. As I let the breath out, I will repeat my word in a chant, giving the final repetition a greater emphasis on the last syllable, for example: “yum, yum, yum, yummy” / “Om, om, om, ommmm” / “Love, love, love, lovvvve”. I will be aware of the sensations of the words moving over my lips and the other sensations in my body. I will let the words come nice and slow, so that my out breath is also nice and slow. My mind will be focused on my breath, the words and the sensations of saying them, rather than on the things I worry about. I will repeat the chant at least three times, once a day to practice. This way I’ ll be well-rehearsed if I want to try the strategy when I am distressed or stressed. Chanting changes the level of CO2 in your blood stream, and like singing, can create a sense of euphoria or lightness. Watch this video for a low-key, fun example of using chants to calm ourselves. The little boy in this video has heaps of energy, he gets pretty silly in this and he uses the chant to bring himself back to centre at about 2 minutes in. Once I am familiar with doing chanting meditation, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a strategy for soothing myself and distracting from distress.
No. 73: Using Opposites
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… …I will practice coping by looking at the situation from the opposite viewpoint. Reversing my perspective in this way can take me down different and new trains of thought that could lead me to feel differently about things. When I notice slight shifts in my mood, I will pause myself to reflect on what I am thinking in the moment. Then I will ask myself “What if the opposite were true?” For example, if I notice I start feeling slightly hopeless or pessimistic, I will try to look at the situation from the opposite hopeful perspective. Instead of thinking “this is hopeless” I will ask myself “what if it was actually hopeful?“ How would I see the situation then? This week is about challenging the assumptions that underlie my thoughts and feelings. This week I open up to the possibility of other ways of experiencing my reality. Once I am comfortable doing this with slight shifts in mood, I will add this to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of coping with distress.
…I will practice coping by looking at the situation from the opposite viewpoint. Reversing my perspective in this way can take me down different and new trains of thought that could lead me to feel differently about things. When I notice slight shifts in my mood, I will pause myself to reflect on what I am thinking in the moment. Then I will ask myself “What if the opposite were true?” For example, if I notice I start feeling slightly hopeless or pessimistic, I will try to look at the situation from the opposite hopeful perspective. Instead of thinking “this is hopeless” I will ask myself “what if it was actually hopeful?“ How would I see the situation then? This week is about challenging the assumptions that underlie my thoughts and feelings. This week I open up to the possibility of other ways of experiencing my reality. Once I am comfortable doing this with slight shifts in mood, I will add this to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of coping with distress.
No. 70: Being Specific
This week to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… I will practice keeping my self-talk specific to help moderate my responses to things. Often I find my internal dialogue includes words like ‘ always’ , ‘ everything’ and ‘ never’ that generalise what I am experiencing in the moment out to all situations. This amplifies the emotions I experience as a result and makes things seem more significant than they really are. This week, I will practice observing my self-talk during the day and using the most specific language I can find. So when I catch myself thinking things like ‘ I always screw things up’ or ‘ they never notice me’ , I will turn it around in my head to be more like ‘ I made a mistake just then’ or ‘ they didn’ t notice me just then’ . Rather than then allow myself to go down the path of remembering other times this has happened or might happen, I will focus my mind onto other specific things about this current situation. This might involve simply listing to myself the specific elements in play in the moment – from the temperature, to the environment, to the people around me, to my own reactions to these things – or it might involve listing the ways in which this situation is different from past similar situations. As my mind wanders onto other thoughts, I will remind myself that I can only know what is here now and bring my mind back to the task of observing and describing my current situation to myself. Here I am in this moment, which I can only ever experience once. Once I am comfortable with noticing my self-talk and using specific language, I will add this to my Personal Coping Kete as a strategy for soothing distressing or intense emotions.
I will practice keeping my self-talk specific to help moderate my responses to things. Often I find my internal dialogue includes words like ‘ always’ , ‘ everything’ and ‘ never’ that generalise what I am experiencing in the moment out to all situations. This amplifies the emotions I experience as a result and makes things seem more significant than they really are. This week, I will practice observing my self-talk during the day and using the most specific language I can find. So when I catch myself thinking things like ‘ I always screw things up’ or ‘ they never notice me’ , I will turn it around in my head to be more like ‘ I made a mistake just then’ or ‘ they didn’ t notice me just then’ . Rather than then allow myself to go down the path of remembering other times this has happened or might happen, I will focus my mind onto other specific things about this current situation. This might involve simply listing to myself the specific elements in play in the moment – from the temperature, to the environment, to the people around me, to my own reactions to these things – or it might involve listing the ways in which this situation is different from past similar situations. As my mind wanders onto other thoughts, I will remind myself that I can only know what is here now and bring my mind back to the task of observing and describing my current situation to myself. Here I am in this moment, which I can only ever experience once. Once I am comfortable with noticing my self-talk and using specific language, I will add this to my Personal Coping Kete as a strategy for soothing distressing or intense emotions.
No. 69: Growth instead of Achievement
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellness… rather than placing pressure on myself to ‘ succeed’ or ‘ achieve’ , I am going to practice being aware of how I am growing. As I move through my day, I will come back to the thought that “I am a work in progress, constantly learning how to handle life.” This week I will remember that anything that goes seemingly ‘ wrong’ , will teach me how to deal with it better next time, so it actually has value for me and will make me stronger. Once I am comfortable thinking of the ways I am growing in everyday situations, I will add this to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of soothing unwanted or distressing emotions. By reminding myself of things like this in times of stress, I can work to make sure the expectations I am placing upon myself are realistic.
rather than placing pressure on myself to ‘ succeed’ or ‘ achieve’ , I am going to practice being aware of how I am growing. As I move through my day, I will come back to the thought that “I am a work in progress, constantly learning how to handle life.” This week I will remember that anything that goes seemingly ‘ wrong’ , will teach me how to deal with it better next time, so it actually has value for me and will make me stronger. Once I am comfortable thinking of the ways I am growing in everyday situations, I will add this to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of soothing unwanted or distressing emotions. By reminding myself of things like this in times of stress, I can work to make sure the expectations I am placing upon myself are realistic.
No. 68: Grounded in my Hands
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… When I notice shifts in mood, I will practice grounding myself in my body by very simply stroking my left hand with my right hand. I will breathe and focus my attention on my hands and then slowly move my attention inside my body: what does it feel like inside my body right now? I will keep breathing as I bring my attention back to the outside and the sensations of my hands. Here I am in my body, breathing. Once I am comfortable making myself present in my body by stroking my hand, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of grounding myself during moments of intensity or distress.
When I notice shifts in mood, I will practice grounding myself in my body by very simply stroking my left hand with my right hand. I will breathe and focus my attention on my hands and then slowly move my attention inside my body: what does it feel like inside my body right now? I will keep breathing as I bring my attention back to the outside and the sensations of my hands. Here I am in my body, breathing. Once I am comfortable making myself present in my body by stroking my hand, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete as a way of grounding myself during moments of intensity or distress.
No. 67: Removing the Pressure
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… …when I encounter everyday problems and hiccups, I will make things seem more manageable by reminding myself ‘ all I need to do is get through this one moment.’ Instead of piling pressure on myself to measure up to expectations, I will tell myself that I don’ t need to do anything but get through each moment and anything else is an added bonus, so I can relax and go with it. I’ ll then take myself through the standard breathing exercise while I give myself a brief running commentary of the moment I am currently in. Once I have described the moment to myself I will come back to my original idea that I just need to get through this moment and that means all I need to do is keep breathing. Once I am comfortable removing the pressure and doing some breathing in everyday situations, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete for times of stress and distress.
…when I encounter everyday problems and hiccups, I will make things seem more manageable by reminding myself ‘ all I need to do is get through this one moment.’ Instead of piling pressure on myself to measure up to expectations, I will tell myself that I don’ t need to do anything but get through each moment and anything else is an added bonus, so I can relax and go with it. I’ ll then take myself through the standard breathing exercise while I give myself a brief running commentary of the moment I am currently in. Once I have described the moment to myself I will come back to my original idea that I just need to get through this moment and that means all I need to do is keep breathing. Once I am comfortable removing the pressure and doing some breathing in everyday situations, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete for times of stress and distress.
No. 66: Visions of My Success
This week, to attain, maintain or regain my sense of wellbeing… …When I find myself worrying about how something will turn out, I will redirect my thoughts by visualising the situation exactly as I would like it to go. In the same way that champion athletes picture themselves successfully completing their task before they begin, I will imagine myself competently going through each motion of the task before me. I will see myself smiling and feeling good. I will imagine myself feeling strong and at ease. I will see the people around me responding positively. I will see myself at the other end of the challenge having come through it well. Each time a new worry surfaces, I will visualise myself handling it well. As I focus my mind on images of myself getting through and enjoying myself doing it, I will take slow breaths in through my nose, allowing my stomach to rise with each breath in. I will let each breath drift out through my loosely pursed lips. In this way, for a short time, I will give myself physical safety messages with the breathing and psychological safety messages with my visualisation. I will also prepare myself to handle the situation more effectively, because I will have seen what that looks like. This is much more useful than filling my head up with what the worse case scenario looks like. When I find constant worries running through my head, this visualisation could be a good way to redirect them without suppressing them. I can let each of my worries arrive so I can help them leave by imagining it being resolved effectively. This week I will feed myself visions of strengths and successes. Once I am comfortable breathing and redirecting myself to visions of my strengths and successes in everyday situations, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete for moments of stress and distress.
…When I find myself worrying about how something will turn out, I will redirect my thoughts by visualising the situation exactly as I would like it to go. In the same way that champion athletes picture themselves successfully completing their task before they begin, I will imagine myself competently going through each motion of the task before me. I will see myself smiling and feeling good. I will imagine myself feeling strong and at ease. I will see the people around me responding positively. I will see myself at the other end of the challenge having come through it well. Each time a new worry surfaces, I will visualise myself handling it well. As I focus my mind on images of myself getting through and enjoying myself doing it, I will take slow breaths in through my nose, allowing my stomach to rise with each breath in. I will let each breath drift out through my loosely pursed lips. In this way, for a short time, I will give myself physical safety messages with the breathing and psychological safety messages with my visualisation. I will also prepare myself to handle the situation more effectively, because I will have seen what that looks like. This is much more useful than filling my head up with what the worse case scenario looks like. When I find constant worries running through my head, this visualisation could be a good way to redirect them without suppressing them. I can let each of my worries arrive so I can help them leave by imagining it being resolved effectively. This week I will feed myself visions of strengths and successes. Once I am comfortable breathing and redirecting myself to visions of my strengths and successes in everyday situations, I will add it to my Personal Coping Kete for moments of stress and distress.
